Get the blood flowing again... (metaphorically speaking)

[sinkwriter]

WARNING: brief talk of blood donation (in case any of you find that type of discussion to be gross or upsetting)


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Gave blood today.

I suppose it's the blood loss, but whenever I donate, by the afternoon I feel like I've hit a major wall and have no energy left. I'm feeling it right now, just slightly sluggish and in need of a nap.

Everything about me is sluggish today. Even when I was giving blood, I couldn't seem to give what they needed. First, the person who inserted the needle didn't do such a smooth job and it actually hurt quite a bit. It pinched a lot, then it burned, and she had to adjust it several times before the pinching let up. Then my arm was sore, so I probably wasn't squeezing the rubber ball as hard as I usually do. And they were taking from my right arm, where I usually donate from my left. Not sure if that matters much, but it sure seemed to, today.

Once they got it going, everything seemed fine and I was able to fill up what they needed, but at a certain point everything slowed down and it was like my blood flow just wasn't moving the way they wanted it to. That has never happened before. In fact, usually the person drawing my blood has joked that I have really good blood flow. Not today. I was apparently in 'low flow mode.' No matter what they did, they couldn't get it moving faster to finish it out.

This may seem like a strange transition in conversation, but it's kind of an analogy for how I've been feeling in my life lately. Like I'm moving along, but at a sluggish pace. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so caught up in this new job and all my classes at school that I'm not taking time to truly pay attention in my own life.

It's not that anything is particularly traumatic or terrible right now -- sometimes, in fact, it's been pretty darn good -- but in an overall sense I feel like I'm just working and living my life day to day, and that's all it is right now. I'm simply plugging along, you know what I mean?

I'm not taking time -- I'm not making time -- to do anything else or be aware of anything on a deeper level. I'm not being fulfilled in ways I want to be. I'm not actively working to do that for myself. I've been pretty numb to a lot of things (which, as some of you may have read in a more private post, has been part of the problem that I'm currently struggling with in therapy). Instead, I'm just going through the routine of day to day and forgetting to make time for more than that. I feel like I'm not fully plugged in, if that makes any sense.

But I want to be. I want to be fully charged up, mind and body, creativity and soul, in all the ways that I can be. I just don't know how to get that energy flowing again. I feel like I've been stuck in this routine for too long (so very long), it's become habit, and I need something to jar me out of it.

Does that make sense to any of you? Do any of you struggle with something like this? How do you sort through it?

Comments

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

Yes, I've been feeling lately like I'm going through life on autopilot, which is something that's sort of a red flag for me because it's what I saw my mother doing so much of the time. She had the potential to have experienced life so much more, and it seems sad that she didn't take advantage.

Recently I feel like I'm just making it through the hours of each day, but to make it worse, I'm not even getting much done in those hours. I feel a little bit like I'm trapped in a molasses flow. Which is frustrating.

Do think about when you might be able to connect via phone. I have a meeting Tuesday night, but aside from that and Wednesday night, I should be available pretty much any time you are. We really should talk!

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Autopilot is exactly the word I mean. It's not like I have any major issues with my job -- I'm happy to be working again, I'm so grateful to have found a job that is so flexible with me going to school and taking classes, and it's great to have a daily purpose. And it's not like my day to day life is anything majorly traumatic -- there are definitely things I need to work on, but that's why I'm in therapy, trying to sort it all out. And I'm enjoying some of my classes a lot, and the ones that are more frustrating I'm still managing to find something good to enjoy about them. I'm glad to be back in school and learning new things.

But in an overall sense I'm on autopilot. I'm going through the motions of work and school and day to day routine, and it's just not enough. I don't feel fully connected right now. I want to be making the most out of my time and enjoying it more fully, and maybe even challenging myself in ways I haven't been.

I just don't know how to get there. I know it seems like the answer is simple -- ye olde Nike saying: "Just Do It" -- but it feels like there's something else in the way of me getting there, getting to that point, pulling forth the kind of energy I need to do more. You know?

It sounds like you do know. *hugs* I have to believe we'll figure it out, somehow. And yes, we definitely should talk!