Seven Days of Joy: Day 1

Given some personally challenging (stressful) circumstances, I've been feeling disconnected for a while now. I've agonized about it all, losing time, sleep and energy, struggling to find joy when everything inside has felt empty and dull.

I'm distracted. Scattered. Anxious. Confused. Frustrated. Disappointed in myself. Apathetic. Empty. Uncertain.

Lost.

I do not feel well, the way I am and the way I'm living right now. I must pay better attention to how I feel. I've been on auto-pilot for too long.

And I'm not doing what I said I would. I'm not standing my ground. I'm not nurturing myself, nor my creative interests, nor my physical or mental well-being. I desperately need to. I feel like I've fallen prey to that "one step forward, two steps back" mentality, only instead of two steps, I've fallen back a sorry ten paces at this point. I need to cover some ground, regain footing, whatever Olympic-sized metaphor that means getting back to the solid, smart behaviors that were propelling me forward in a radiantly positive, loving, aware, physically and emotionally strong manner.

Maybe I can't go "back" to that. Maybe there is no going back. Maybe that is unattainable, at this point. Maybe I need to find a new "setting" that incorporates all those positive points.

The big question weighing on my mind lately has been: How do I accomplish that?

I've been thinking about that quite a bit. No big solutions yet, but I came to the resolution that I must be the one to take steps, move outside my comfort zone, take positive forward action, in order to get anywhere. If I don't like the headspace I'm in right now, if I don't like the shape - strength - flexibility - health of my body right now, if I don't like the feelings I'm having ... I have to take steps to change those things. There is no genie coming to save me, no magic wand to whisk these terrible troubles away, no one to fix the mistakes I've made or erase the past or give me what I need.

I need to do it for myself.

Whatever it takes, baby step by baby step, lesson by lesson, I will take better care of myself. I will nurture myself with a positive mind and a loving heart. I will make stronger effort to expand my creative skills in singing and writing. I will find what I need and remember to enjoy it, savor it, treasure it.

Positive steps, positive steps...

But as I've long felt stuck, how should I start? What could nudge me a little bit in (one hopes) the right direction?

During this holiday season of peace and joy, I came upon bright and shining themollyedge's post about the Happiness meme. I've decided to give it a try. Thanks, Molly!


Here's the essence of it:

1. Post about something that made you happy today, even if it's a small thing.

2. Do this everyday for eight days without fail. (I'm a rebel so I'm going to do seven days, in order to coincide with Christmas Day.)

3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same. (Again, I'm not calling anyone out specifically. I know time is precious during this hectic season, so if you're swamped, no worries. On the other hand, if you've got the time and the desire to try it, go for it!)


*breathes out* It's been a while since I've even remembered to pay attention and express joy, so I'm going to start small and hope I notice more with each day's posting.



DAY 1

* Snow. When I went to bed last night, the world was quiet, peaceful and still. This morning I opened my curtains to a blizzardy wonderland. The barren trees coated thickly, the schoolyard across the street lost, all awash in white. The pale sky filled with flurries, the wind swirling them all around. It was icy and cold and beautiful. Magnificent.

* Emailing bardsmaid and lostakasha. I've owed both of them some responses lately and today I finally found the time and mental energy to write to them, and it was FUN. coffee_imp, be prepared -- you're next! *GRIN*

* Grandma's cooking. She made my favorite casserole, one my mom used to make all the time when I was little, and from the moment she started cooking it, the house filled with the most delicious smells. I sat down at the dinner table tonight and devoured that yummy feast, it was so good. Thank you, Grandma. :)

* LJ community daysofourbones. Thanks for giving me a delightful place to play and rant and discuss. Thanks for indulging me in my lengthy ramblings and never telling me to shaddup. You guys rock.

You know, this gets really fun once you get started. I'm starting to feel stirrings of much-needed happiness already. *does an inner happy dance* Yay!

See you tomorrow, people.
xoxoo