Seven Days of Joy: Day 1

[sinkwriter]

Given some personally challenging (stressful) circumstances, I've been feeling disconnected for a while now. I've agonized about it all, losing time, sleep and energy, struggling to find joy when everything inside has felt empty and dull.

I'm distracted. Scattered. Anxious. Confused. Frustrated. Disappointed in myself. Apathetic. Empty. Uncertain.

Lost.

I do not feel well, the way I am and the way I'm living right now. I must pay better attention to how I feel. I've been on auto-pilot for too long.

And I'm not doing what I said I would. I'm not standing my ground. I'm not nurturing myself, nor my creative interests, nor my physical or mental well-being. I desperately need to. I feel like I've fallen prey to that "one step forward, two steps back" mentality, only instead of two steps, I've fallen back a sorry ten paces at this point. I need to cover some ground, regain footing, whatever Olympic-sized metaphor that means getting back to the solid, smart behaviors that were propelling me forward in a radiantly positive, loving, aware, physically and emotionally strong manner.

Maybe I can't go "back" to that. Maybe there is no going back. Maybe that is unattainable, at this point. Maybe I need to find a new "setting" that incorporates all those positive points.

The big question weighing on my mind lately has been: How do I accomplish that?

I've been thinking about that quite a bit. No big solutions yet, but I came to the resolution that I must be the one to take steps, move outside my comfort zone, take positive forward action, in order to get anywhere. If I don't like the headspace I'm in right now, if I don't like the shape - strength - flexibility - health of my body right now, if I don't like the feelings I'm having ... I have to take steps to change those things. There is no genie coming to save me, no magic wand to whisk these terrible troubles away, no one to fix the mistakes I've made or erase the past or give me what I need.

I need to do it for myself.

Whatever it takes, baby step by baby step, lesson by lesson, I will take better care of myself. I will nurture myself with a positive mind and a loving heart. I will make stronger effort to expand my creative skills in singing and writing. I will find what I need and remember to enjoy it, savor it, treasure it.

Positive steps, positive steps...

But as I've long felt stuck, how should I start? What could nudge me a little bit in (one hopes) the right direction?

During this holiday season of peace and joy, I came upon bright and shining themollyedge's post about the Happiness meme. I've decided to give it a try. Thanks, Molly!


Here's the essence of it:

1. Post about something that made you happy today, even if it's a small thing.

2. Do this everyday for eight days without fail. (I'm a rebel so I'm going to do seven days, in order to coincide with Christmas Day.)

3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same. (Again, I'm not calling anyone out specifically. I know time is precious during this hectic season, so if you're swamped, no worries. On the other hand, if you've got the time and the desire to try it, go for it!)


*breathes out* It's been a while since I've even remembered to pay attention and express joy, so I'm going to start small and hope I notice more with each day's posting.



DAY 1

* Snow. When I went to bed last night, the world was quiet, peaceful and still. This morning I opened my curtains to a blizzardy wonderland. The barren trees coated thickly, the schoolyard across the street lost, all awash in white. The pale sky filled with flurries, the wind swirling them all around. It was icy and cold and beautiful. Magnificent.

* Emailing bardsmaid and lostakasha. I've owed both of them some responses lately and today I finally found the time and mental energy to write to them, and it was FUN. coffee_imp, be prepared -- you're next! *GRIN*

* Grandma's cooking. She made my favorite casserole, one my mom used to make all the time when I was little, and from the moment she started cooking it, the house filled with the most delicious smells. I sat down at the dinner table tonight and devoured that yummy feast, it was so good. Thank you, Grandma. :)

* LJ community daysofourbones. Thanks for giving me a delightful place to play and rant and discuss. Thanks for indulging me in my lengthy ramblings and never telling me to shaddup. You guys rock.

You know, this gets really fun once you get started. I'm starting to feel stirrings of much-needed happiness already. *does an inner happy dance* Yay!

See you tomorrow, people.
xoxoo

Comments

[inlaterdays.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way (you sound the way I felt last January; it was not pleasant) but I'm so very glad to hear that you're beginning to do things that will make you feel happier.

I think that feeling of being centered and grounded is a very precious thing. I hope you get back there quickly and I hope the journey is a pleasant one. :)

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you, inlaterdays. I'm trying, you know? Unfortunately, this whole year I've been feeling stages of this; it's just not been the most positive of times for me, but I'm trying very hard to find my way out of it. I really want to see things shift for the better come 2009, whatever I can do.

I think that feeling of being centered and grounded is a very precious thing.

Abso-friggin'-lutely. :) I think what's been so frustrating is that I had it, that wonderful centeredness, I truly felt it, and then I lost it. Everything crumbled, in the last year or two, and I just haven't found my way yet. I do know that things cannot continue the way they have been, so something's got to change, and since I can't control anyone else, I might as well start by looking at myself, right?

Thank you again for your verbal support. I really appreciate it! *hugs*

[la-tante.livejournal.com]

oh wow sherry. i'm just sending you such a huge hug right now. the way you write about your struggles always brings tears to my eyes, tears because i get the truth in what you write and i feel it in myself. you know that when i poked my nose into that thread all those months ago, i had no idea you'd be one of the folks on lj who, when i see you've posted or when i see you replied to an entry of mine, i get a glow of happiness and connection. even though we'd pass by without knowing the other in the street, you are dear to me. anyway, just thought you should know.
love,
julia

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I write a message and post it, and almost immediately want to take it back, because it feels too out there, too honest, too vulnerable to let people read it. I'm often afraid someone might use it against me, or laugh at me for it.

You've always been so encouraging about whatever I had to say, and I appreciate it more than I can express. Indeed, who could have ever foreseen that the two of us each commenting over on someone else's thread would have brought us together in friendship like this? *shakes head, smiling* The online world is a bizarre place, but sometimes it's unexpectedly connecting. I really like that.

And if I may say so, I light up when I see your posts, because they always seem so positive and loving and fun and full of energy. It's a treat to hear from you, whether on your site or mine or out there in the communities.

Thank you for the kindness, Julia. *huge hugs back*

[wendelah1]

Focusing on the positive in your life rather than the negative is an excellent way to get back on track. Good for you for deciding to break your cycle.

I am looking forward to reading your next six posts.

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you, wendelah1. Your posts are thoughtful and wise; therefore, I'm always happy to receive your input. Like I said to inlaterdays above, I know that things can't continue the way they have been and something's got to change. Since I can't control anyone else, I might as well start by looking at myself, right? Like you said, find a way to break my cycle. I don't know exactly how, but I've got to try.

I am looking forward to reading your next six posts.

Oh, the pressure! ;)

Well, I'm not sure how interesting the posts have been so far, but I'm doing my best to keep my eyes and my heart open and pay more attention to what makes me feel happy, what makes me laugh out loud, what makes me feel positive...

Thanks again for commenting. By the way, your user pic is really beautiful and uplifting. Just looking at it makes me feel better. And when I visited your site and saw it was titled "Yet shall I blossom," I was truly moved.

Hope you're having a lovely day.

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

And it was indeed fun to get your mails. Now I just have to carve out some time to get back to you. :-) But the 4Seasons site is finally up and live, so I'm done with that. One item ticked off the list. Tomorrow is likely to be 'get organized with Christmas gifts and fill in the blank spots in the list' day.

I think you're very right about feeling that you have to take that first step (and maybe a few after it) out of a hard situation--i.e. that waiting for things to somehow miraculously turn around and save you isn't going to do the trick. For the record, I do indeed know what it's like to feel beaten down the way you do now, with no hope seemingly on the horizon. I went through a lot of that in our two years in the barn and I know how hard it is to break out of that mindset. But starting with joy/gratitude is a powerful place to start, really, because the more you focus on the beauty/abundance in your life (and it's always there in some form), the more clearly you see that you are indeed provided for/taken care of/supported. And it's that realization that enables you to get up off the ground and start taking those steps.

::hugs to you::

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

*is moved to tears*

Thank you, Susan. *hugs tightly*

[lifeasanamazon.livejournal.com]

*hugs you hard*

[vanitashaze.livejournal.com]

*joins the hugging, because even if they are e-actions, they perhaps speak louder than words*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you, vanitashaze. I gladly accept the hugs. And you are right -- sometimes just the word 'hugs' conveys so much when one really needs it.

*hugs back*

Hope you are well today.

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Just seeing your name and that adorable Snoopy-Woodstock user pic is enough to make me smile. Talk about joy. What do they say? "Happiness is a warm puppy." Heeee.

*hugs you back appreciatively*

Thank you, Angie. As always, I am grateful.

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

{{loves you}}

Positive steps.

[coffee-imp.livejournal.com]

Adds to the hugs! So much love to you Sherry, so much love.

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

*pulls you gratefully into a big squishy hug*

:D

Thank you, Sonnett. You know I love you right back.

I hope you are having a beautiful week, and I can't wait to spend time with you and David again. *sends much love and holiday cheer*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Kat. I know you understand how challenging it can be, and how wonderful it feels when you're finally able to take a baby step or two in that positive direction.

*adores you for stopping by*

Have a magnificent day. :)

[not-thyne.livejournal.com]

I do adore skating on thin ice with you, you know.

ahh...damn login thingy (kicks lj) but you know who this is.

*hugshugshugs*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

It somehow logged you in anyway, so I knew it was you. And I am so happy to see you!

Thanks for the email today. I did an ecstatic little happy dance (an internal one, because I'm still coughing and achy today, yuck), and I promise I'll write back soon.

In the meantime... *hugs hugs hugs you back gratefully* Watch out for that ice now! ;)