Make a choice: which way, which way?

[sinkwriter]

I feel drained today.

This morning I got up early to attend a job workshop at the local college. Cut to me in the classroom, getting all teary-eyed and then breaking down in front of the presenter after the class was over.

Yeah, that's not embarrassing whatsoever.

*facepalm*

The workshop was set up for people who'd been out of work, and it focused on the idea of choices.

It was all about living the life you imagine and taking the opportunities you are given (or making opportunities for yourself), working toward what you love and what's meaningful rather than simply living life like a hamster on a wheel, never really going anywhere or doing anything but loping around the same circle, day in, day out.

It was about taking a moment to look at what you're doing and asking yourself, "What's important now?" Asking yourself if you're making a choice that works toward those goals, interests, dreams, plans, whatever, that are important to you.

It was about finding ways to bring dreams back into your life, even if in smaller ways than originally planned.

The instructor asked:

How important are your dreams (on a scale of 1 to 10), and what are you willing to do to achieve them? What steps will you take that will point you in that direction?

I sat there, listening to all this, and found the tears welling up, unbidden. Mortified, I swiped at my eyes and tried to look like I was taking notes and rubbing my eyes from sleepiness, but that instructor was no fool. Every once in a while she'd glance over at me, and I knew she noticed that I was getting emotional.

I finally managed to settle down and focus, and then she'd say something else that resonated, something that made me reflect on the current state of my own life, how unhappy I've been, how much I want to live a life of passion and purpose, and of joy. And the tears would come again.

And I thought, well, this is lovely. I am making a spectacle of myself and I can't even seem to stop it!

Mercifully, she wrapped up the workshop and I waited until most of the room was empty, collected myself and walked out into the hallway. After all the other students left, the teacher came out of the classroom and saw me waiting. I apologized for my emotions, but she said that I wasn't the first person to feel that way while attending her class. She said she tended to have that effect on people on a regular basis.

That made me feel a little bit better, but standing there, talking with her, I was amazed at how raw I felt, how close to the surface my emotions were, and it didn't take long before I found myself breaking down fully in front of her, for a moment or two. I just couldn't seem to hold it in anymore.

I explained what was swirling around in my head, what I was feeling, and she listened kindly. And told me that she thought this was a good thing, that I was connected to what I was feeling; I was more aware, perhaps, than I had been previously, and it was a good time for me to seriously consider what I wanted with my life and start working toward that in stronger strides. She kept emphasizing that I could make the choice to work in that direction. I could talk to people, gather information, make time for those activities that would get me closer to my goals, and take steps.

It's a terrifying thought. I want so badly to make positive changes to my life, to go in a direction that is rewarding to me, and to be good with that even if my family doesn't quite 'get' it or wants/expects me to take another path.

I've been thinking a lot about TJ Thyne today (an actor I admire and appreciate). I've been thinking about the choices he has made with his career and how focused and driven and positive he seems, no matter what, and how he seems to make choices every day that serve his interests, his love of acting and of creativity and performance. He's so enthusiastic about everything, and he takes steps, to achieve what he wants to do. There seems to be such a lesson in that, one that I want to absorb and emulate.

I don't know exactly why I'm saying all this aloud to all of you here, but I just felt a need to say it, I guess. I've been struggling for a while now, and I feel like I'm trying very hard to reach that pivotal turning point, that fork in the road where I finally choose to take a different path, one that works best for me, one that leads me to amazing and wonderful places in my life.

As Robert Frost once said:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I want that very much.

Comments

[leucocrystal]

I totally understand how you're feeling, dear. I honestly get the sense that a lot of us - online and off - are feeling very much like hamsters in wheels these days, and are pretty desperate to get out, but either don't know how, or are too intimidated by how unforgiving the world is (particularly now, what with the terrible economy and job market, etc.) to feel brave enough to take that first step. I know I feel that way, anyway. And I wish I had advice for you, but I don't even really have any for myself, heh. But I do understand!

I'm sorry you were embarrassed by what happened, but it sounds like the instructor was really lovely about it, and I'm glad you were able to discuss this with her; hopefully that made you feel a bit better.

Lately, I keep coming back to things Michael often said, because he's always been one of the most inspiring forces in my life. Things like:

Work like there's no tomorrow. Train. Strive. I mean, really train and cultivate your talent to the highest degree. Be the best at what you do. Get to know more about your field than anybody alive. Use the tools of your trade, if it's books or a floor to dance on or a body of water to swim in. Whatever it is, it's yours. That's what I've always tried to remember.

I think it's so important to set goals for yourself. It gives you an idea of where you want to go and how you want to get there. If you don't aim for something, you'll never know whether you could have hit the mark.

I believe in wishes and in a person's ability to make a wish come true. I really do. [...] And a wish is more than a wish, it's a goal. It's something your conscious and subconscious can help make reality.

Not much, I know, but maybe you'll get something from those words, too. *hugs*

[lifeasanamazon.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tightly*

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

*more hugs*

But the instructor sounded lovely and understanding.

[dacian-goddess.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

You can't help when the floodgates open, but you can control where you take things once you're picking up the pieces. I'm glad you're working your way to that crucial Path of Choice.

The journey won't be easy, but between your intelligence and your sources of personal inspiration, you have all the tools to get where you want to be, no question.

[lorelei633.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think, as painful and embarrassing as it may have been at the time, this was actually a good thing. You got a chance to get it out and it sounds like the presenter is a very empathetic and understanding person who was there to listen and give good advice. Hang in there, okay? I'm thinking about you and I hope you do follow your dreams, wherever they may lead. :)