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sinkwriterAfter graduating from college, I wanted to start making regular posts again. I was excited at the thought of extra time in my evenings where I might be able to do other things, like write. I couldn't wait for the day to arrive when I could jump back in.
You know... it's tougher than I thought. To jump back in.
Writing's something that comes naturally to me, much more than, say, public speaking (no, thank you). I thought I'd fall back into writing immediately, no problem. So much to say, so many stories to tackle.
But I just feel so disconnected. Not just to LiveJournal, but to everything.
Maybe it's a side effect of going back to school. I spent the past 3 1/2 years in the mindset of "keep your head down and get it all done." There was a ton of work and homework and late nights, some stress, some fun and enjoyment, but mainly just a lot of deep focus.
I spent so much time shoving everything else to the side. Writing, singing, going to the movies, spending time with friends, spending time with family (outside of the holidays, I mean), taking care of myself and my health, you name it, I put it on the backburner. That mentality got so deeply ingrained, I feel like I don't know how to let go of it. Like someone who goes undercover for a couple years and when the final bust goes down, what are they supposed to do next? How are they supposed to let go of the persona they've been playing for two years? How do they get back into their own headspace?
I haven't figured out how to do that yet.
It feels like I have all these ideas about what I'd like to do with my time, but I'm so used to telling myself, "No, there's no time for that right now, wait until after school is done." It's gotten so that I don't know how to rev myself up to dive in and tackle some of these ideas.
I figure the thing is to just do it, just open a book or read through old story notes or join a group, anything to get involved again. No pressure or schedule about it, just see what energy stirs up and where my thoughts and ideas take me. See what I find myself getting passionate about enough to make the time for it.
But it's more challenging than I thought. I find myself feeling a bit aimless, like I know there's something out there I should be doing but I haven't gotten to it yet. Maybe it's a side effect of this extra-long-and-lingering winter we seem to be having this year. Maybe it's a sign that I need a change of venue, something outside of Wisconsin and Illinois, someplace new to invigorate my senses again. I wish I knew what I needed.
I feel like I'm trying to figure it out.
In the meantime, I did say I'd try to post messages with a more positive slant to them, so here's one:
Happiness is... the kindness of a stranger.
Today I stopped at the grocery store for a few items, and while I was bagging some onions, my scarf got caught on the edge of the bin and knocked a few onions off the stand, sending them rolling across the floor. I made some sort of noise of surprise and mild annoyance, and bent down to pick up the small mess. Another customer walking by joked about how that's happened to her too and very kindly helped me retrieve the runaway onions from the floor.
It's so silly, because it's such a simple moment. But more and more it seems people get caught up in their own worlds (see above commentary about my own 'stuck' life right now, LOL) and they stop paying attention to one another out there in the day-to-day environment. That woman could have walked right on by with her cart and left me to take care of the issue myself. It was only about 2 or 3 onions, no big deal, really. I was perfectly capable of dealing with it, but instead she took time to help me out. In doing so, her friendly remarks and generosity in the moment really stuck with me the rest of this day.
So, thank you, Kind Stranger. You brightened my day. I hope someone does the same for you.
You know... it's tougher than I thought. To jump back in.
Writing's something that comes naturally to me, much more than, say, public speaking (no, thank you). I thought I'd fall back into writing immediately, no problem. So much to say, so many stories to tackle.
But I just feel so disconnected. Not just to LiveJournal, but to everything.
Maybe it's a side effect of going back to school. I spent the past 3 1/2 years in the mindset of "keep your head down and get it all done." There was a ton of work and homework and late nights, some stress, some fun and enjoyment, but mainly just a lot of deep focus.
I spent so much time shoving everything else to the side. Writing, singing, going to the movies, spending time with friends, spending time with family (outside of the holidays, I mean), taking care of myself and my health, you name it, I put it on the backburner. That mentality got so deeply ingrained, I feel like I don't know how to let go of it. Like someone who goes undercover for a couple years and when the final bust goes down, what are they supposed to do next? How are they supposed to let go of the persona they've been playing for two years? How do they get back into their own headspace?
I haven't figured out how to do that yet.
It feels like I have all these ideas about what I'd like to do with my time, but I'm so used to telling myself, "No, there's no time for that right now, wait until after school is done." It's gotten so that I don't know how to rev myself up to dive in and tackle some of these ideas.
I figure the thing is to just do it, just open a book or read through old story notes or join a group, anything to get involved again. No pressure or schedule about it, just see what energy stirs up and where my thoughts and ideas take me. See what I find myself getting passionate about enough to make the time for it.
But it's more challenging than I thought. I find myself feeling a bit aimless, like I know there's something out there I should be doing but I haven't gotten to it yet. Maybe it's a side effect of this extra-long-and-lingering winter we seem to be having this year. Maybe it's a sign that I need a change of venue, something outside of Wisconsin and Illinois, someplace new to invigorate my senses again. I wish I knew what I needed.
I feel like I'm trying to figure it out.
In the meantime, I did say I'd try to post messages with a more positive slant to them, so here's one:
Happiness is... the kindness of a stranger.
Today I stopped at the grocery store for a few items, and while I was bagging some onions, my scarf got caught on the edge of the bin and knocked a few onions off the stand, sending them rolling across the floor. I made some sort of noise of surprise and mild annoyance, and bent down to pick up the small mess. Another customer walking by joked about how that's happened to her too and very kindly helped me retrieve the runaway onions from the floor.
It's so silly, because it's such a simple moment. But more and more it seems people get caught up in their own worlds (see above commentary about my own 'stuck' life right now, LOL) and they stop paying attention to one another out there in the day-to-day environment. That woman could have walked right on by with her cart and left me to take care of the issue myself. It was only about 2 or 3 onions, no big deal, really. I was perfectly capable of dealing with it, but instead she took time to help me out. In doing so, her friendly remarks and generosity in the moment really stuck with me the rest of this day.
So, thank you, Kind Stranger. You brightened my day. I hope someone does the same for you.
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no subject
Date: 2014-04-06 03:43 am (UTC)It was really sweet of the lady to stop and help. Always a good reminder that people are not so bad. :)
no subject
Date: 2014-04-10 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-06 09:00 pm (UTC)Maybe that's part of the answer? I often don't have time, so I've had to learn to stop and think before automatically replying "Sorry, I don't have time to have dinner/go to the theater/movies etc." This may only be true for me, but even if I've deliberately left time free on the weekend when I really want to read/watch something as work takes up a lot of time and energy during the week, I still find myself aimlessly moving about the house instead of sitting down to do what I planned. I still do things like phoning friends,challenging myself on some Pilate exercise like the plank or tidying up. It's not procrastinating as I really want to read or watch the next episode, but someone told me the brain needs to rest and recover. Maybe that's what you're doing but because you've been busy for so long it's taking you longer to recover and to "re-adapt"?
ITA on the kindness of strangers. I slipped on an icy patch the other morning, nothing dramatic and no serious injury. Had barely hit the ground and there was an outstretched hand helping me up. It turned the whole thing into being about the kindness of a stranger instead of slipping and bruises.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-07 05:25 am (UTC)In your case, I'd say to kind of... force yourself (that probably sounds too strong) to slow down a bit, or even narrow your focus. Anything is easier to do for yourself once you make it some sort of a routine (even leisure activities like reading and relaxing!). It's a strange thing to recognize, but I have discovered it to be true. Probably because sometimes it's far too easy for me to fall out of the good habits (taking time for myself, getting outside on days off, doing the occasional little fun thing) and into the bad ones (stressing in myriad ways, the list goes on and on...).
I like your positive note. It's actually become one of my favorite little things about Los Angeles. Everyone assumes San Diego is super laid-back and everyone is open and friendly there, but the reality is it's actually a weirdly conservative, spread out, standoffish city. Meanwhile, in LA, where people assume it's intimidating and hyper-busy and full of crazy and/or violent people, I'm constantly surprised by how open and friendly people are here, to a huge degree. I really like it.