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sinkwriterAfter midnight. My birthday's over.
I've spent the day in a mix of moods.
When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and the sky was a sweet blue. Puffy fluffy white clouds took their leisurely time, floating and resting and stretching. The air was breezy -- not too hot, not too cool.
A lovely day.
The house was quiet. No one else was home. I got up, had a bit of breakfast, worked out, checked my emails, delighted in kind-hearted messages from marvelous, loving friends, downloaded some songs I'd been wanting, and then ... I sang.
For the first time in weeks, maybe months, I sang out freely, all around the house. And it felt brilliant.
For the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly buoyant, my mood uplifted. I felt positive. I felt hopeful. I felt happy. It was magnificent!
Then I was reminded: the universe has a wicked sense of humor.
I slipped in the shower today.
Gracelessly and completely. Lost all balance -- shoooop -- and quickly landed flat on my ass.
The irony of that was not lost on me. How symbolic of this past year.
I slammed my right elbow against the edge of the tub as I came crashing down. Yes, ouch. Bottles of shampoo and sweet fragrant body wash clattered around me. A slippery bar of soap zipped past my leg.
As I looked up at the spray of warm water cascading down upon me, I could only shake my head and half laugh. This has been my past year.
Heavy swells of troubled emotion -- feeling stressed, anxiety-filled, and lost -- cresting with the occasional swirls of joy and laughter, with frothy irregular bursts of hope and creativity and marvelous music. Me in the midst of it all, riding the wave, rising up and falling down. Surfing an unpredictable tide. I love the water, but it's spitting and foaming everywhere, sucking away my joy; I'm completely disoriented, bruised and aching. I'm reaching, but I have no idea where I am, what I need, or what the hell I'm doing.
I feel this all the way to the deep recesses of my mind.
Case in point:
About a week ago, I had a bizarre dream.
***********
My mother and I walked up a familiar, busy street and into a restaurant we'd never been before. Wanted to check it out, I guess.
We sat and talked. Or rather, she did most of the talking and I tried to listen to what Mom was saying, but it was mainly chitchat and it seemed I had nothing of my own to contribute. In fact, at one point my mom got frustrated with me for my lack of conversation and yelled at me for not saying much. To which I yelled back, "I've been unemployed for almost a year, Mom! I have nothing in my life! What exactly do you think I have to talk about?"
Sure, I realized I could talk about my interests: in writing, or singing, or for specific films, books, music, or television programs. But she didn't ask about those things, and I didn't think she'd be interested. It seemed like a waste of time to her.
So she said nothing, and I said nothing, and we reached for our menus. I thought I'd better make a decision on what I wanted before the waitress came around. Mom picked up her menu and made her choice fairly quickly, but I wasn't ready.
Then I realized... since we'd been seated, no one had come to our table. Just how long had we been sitting there? It felt like hours had gone by.
We waited.
And waited.
And waited...
... but no waiter or waitress came to take our order.
In the meantime, I poured over menu after menu, in search of what I wanted, but nothing looked or sounded right. Nothing stood out to me as something I wanted to eat. I seemed to have plenty of time to choose anyway, because no one came to the table to wait on us.
Customers came and went, some (oddly) sitting down at our table, infringing upon our space, talking loudly, being obnoxious, taking our menus, getting their meals long before us, then leaving.
At one point, even my mom seemed to have left the room and I sat by myself at the table, looking over yet another menu, trying to decide what it was that I wanted. I felt lost.
At very long last, the waitress arrived to take my order, but in that moment what I thought I wanted seemed like it would take far too long to make, which would mean more agonizing waiting. And I wasn't sure I was willing to do that.
As the waitress stood over me, waiting for my answer, I felt her impatience with my indecision. After having all that time ahead of me while the waitress had been absent, now I felt hurried. I poured over the menu, waffling over the (what looked like some sort of) puffy, soufflé-like, baked banana pancake, wanting it but wondering if I should make another choice, contemplating just how long it might take to make it and if I'd be stuck waiting in that restaurant for hours, feeling unsatisfied, rushed, and confused...
As I flipped through the menu's glossy pages, hastily trying to find a second choice, all the while feeling I might really want that banana pancake instead --
I woke up.
***********
This strange, vivid dream seemed to illuminate some of what my brain is trying to sort through at this time in my life: my job situation, the indecision I've been feeling about making the "right" choices, not knowing what to do or which way to go, feeling overwhelmed by the choices (or lack of them, at the moment), feeling lost, feeling stuck, feeling rushed, feeling afraid to go for what I truly want, doubting my choices, questioning myself and what I'm really willing (and able) to go for, agonizing over whether or not I can really have what I want and how long it might take, feeling pushed into making a hasty choice which may not be what I ultimately want or need, wanting certain things in my life but also turning away from them out of uncertainty, fear, and self-doubt...
It certainly isn't about a pancake.
It's about job choices and life choices. Wanting something so badly but also doubting whether I can (or should) have it. Knowing that things take time and I might have to wait a long while in order to get what I want -- that could reference any number of things, from finding the job I want, to personal satisfaction, creative inspiration, and balance in my life, and even love.
Then again, it was early morning when I had this dream. Maybe my body was hungry and simply craved a banana pancake. ;)
All joking aside, this dream does seem to speak to what I'm going through right now, all the waiting and the fitful indecision. I want to scream: I don't KNOW what I want anymore!
At this point, I feel devoid of any strong thought, inkling, or desire, one way or another, and that scares me. I know I can't stay here, on this plateau, I know I must take action, but I don't know where to go next.
Wanting certain things for myself, for my life, but agonizing over how long it's taking to achieve it. Wondering if I truly can. Keeping it always in the back of my mind, knowing I want it, but at the same time talking myself out of it.
Fear, worry, uncertainty, impatience, need, want, preference, choice... the heart of the emotional struggles I've been having about my life.
So here I am, in the late evening of my 36th birthday...
A week ago my dad asked if I was looking forward to it, and I immediately said, "No."
I think he figured it was the number that was troubling me, but honestly, that has never bothered me. I have friends whose ages run the gamut from teenager to 50-something, and they're all brilliant and wonderful. Numbers measure nothing. Age is irrelevant. It's the mind and the energy and the life and the connections that mean something to me.
No, the number 36 is no big deal.
What's troubling me is that I've spent too much time living a life I don't like anymore. Here I am, another year older, and where am I? What am I doing with my life? Why did I take these forks in the road? What brought me here? Where am I supposed to go next? What do I need to do to get there? What is most important to me?
It's as if I'm starting all over.
I'm pouring over that metaphorical menu and I can't figure out what delicious victuals will properly fill my belly. Fulfill my soul. I need that. What I do know for sure is that I don't want to settle for less.
However, the worries won't leave my head. Once I've found those items on the menu, can I even afford them? Am I willing to wait for them, or will they never come that way? Am I wasting my time, sitting there at the table? Should I just go home and make it all myself? What if I do it wrong? What if it's a total disaster? What if it all falls apart?
What if the shower waves come crashing down upon my head?
I'm swept up in the swirl of "what if's" that do me no good. I've lost my bearings, and I'm tired of treading water. I need to find a solid direction and start swimming. I need to take action.
I need that positivity and brilliant freedom from this morning. I need to protect that feeling and harness it. Let its music speak to me and guide me to exactly where I should be.
I need to sing again.
I've spent the day in a mix of moods.
When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining and the sky was a sweet blue. Puffy fluffy white clouds took their leisurely time, floating and resting and stretching. The air was breezy -- not too hot, not too cool.
A lovely day.
The house was quiet. No one else was home. I got up, had a bit of breakfast, worked out, checked my emails, delighted in kind-hearted messages from marvelous, loving friends, downloaded some songs I'd been wanting, and then ... I sang.
For the first time in weeks, maybe months, I sang out freely, all around the house. And it felt brilliant.
For the first time in a long while, I felt incredibly buoyant, my mood uplifted. I felt positive. I felt hopeful. I felt happy. It was magnificent!
Then I was reminded: the universe has a wicked sense of humor.
I slipped in the shower today.
Gracelessly and completely. Lost all balance -- shoooop -- and quickly landed flat on my ass.
The irony of that was not lost on me. How symbolic of this past year.
I slammed my right elbow against the edge of the tub as I came crashing down. Yes, ouch. Bottles of shampoo and sweet fragrant body wash clattered around me. A slippery bar of soap zipped past my leg.
As I looked up at the spray of warm water cascading down upon me, I could only shake my head and half laugh. This has been my past year.
Heavy swells of troubled emotion -- feeling stressed, anxiety-filled, and lost -- cresting with the occasional swirls of joy and laughter, with frothy irregular bursts of hope and creativity and marvelous music. Me in the midst of it all, riding the wave, rising up and falling down. Surfing an unpredictable tide. I love the water, but it's spitting and foaming everywhere, sucking away my joy; I'm completely disoriented, bruised and aching. I'm reaching, but I have no idea where I am, what I need, or what the hell I'm doing.
I feel this all the way to the deep recesses of my mind.
Case in point:
About a week ago, I had a bizarre dream.
***********
My mother and I walked up a familiar, busy street and into a restaurant we'd never been before. Wanted to check it out, I guess.
We sat and talked. Or rather, she did most of the talking and I tried to listen to what Mom was saying, but it was mainly chitchat and it seemed I had nothing of my own to contribute. In fact, at one point my mom got frustrated with me for my lack of conversation and yelled at me for not saying much. To which I yelled back, "I've been unemployed for almost a year, Mom! I have nothing in my life! What exactly do you think I have to talk about?"
Sure, I realized I could talk about my interests: in writing, or singing, or for specific films, books, music, or television programs. But she didn't ask about those things, and I didn't think she'd be interested. It seemed like a waste of time to her.
So she said nothing, and I said nothing, and we reached for our menus. I thought I'd better make a decision on what I wanted before the waitress came around. Mom picked up her menu and made her choice fairly quickly, but I wasn't ready.
Then I realized... since we'd been seated, no one had come to our table. Just how long had we been sitting there? It felt like hours had gone by.
We waited.
And waited.
And waited...
... but no waiter or waitress came to take our order.
In the meantime, I poured over menu after menu, in search of what I wanted, but nothing looked or sounded right. Nothing stood out to me as something I wanted to eat. I seemed to have plenty of time to choose anyway, because no one came to the table to wait on us.
Customers came and went, some (oddly) sitting down at our table, infringing upon our space, talking loudly, being obnoxious, taking our menus, getting their meals long before us, then leaving.
At one point, even my mom seemed to have left the room and I sat by myself at the table, looking over yet another menu, trying to decide what it was that I wanted. I felt lost.
At very long last, the waitress arrived to take my order, but in that moment what I thought I wanted seemed like it would take far too long to make, which would mean more agonizing waiting. And I wasn't sure I was willing to do that.
As the waitress stood over me, waiting for my answer, I felt her impatience with my indecision. After having all that time ahead of me while the waitress had been absent, now I felt hurried. I poured over the menu, waffling over the (what looked like some sort of) puffy, soufflé-like, baked banana pancake, wanting it but wondering if I should make another choice, contemplating just how long it might take to make it and if I'd be stuck waiting in that restaurant for hours, feeling unsatisfied, rushed, and confused...
As I flipped through the menu's glossy pages, hastily trying to find a second choice, all the while feeling I might really want that banana pancake instead --
I woke up.
***********
This strange, vivid dream seemed to illuminate some of what my brain is trying to sort through at this time in my life: my job situation, the indecision I've been feeling about making the "right" choices, not knowing what to do or which way to go, feeling overwhelmed by the choices (or lack of them, at the moment), feeling lost, feeling stuck, feeling rushed, feeling afraid to go for what I truly want, doubting my choices, questioning myself and what I'm really willing (and able) to go for, agonizing over whether or not I can really have what I want and how long it might take, feeling pushed into making a hasty choice which may not be what I ultimately want or need, wanting certain things in my life but also turning away from them out of uncertainty, fear, and self-doubt...
It certainly isn't about a pancake.
It's about job choices and life choices. Wanting something so badly but also doubting whether I can (or should) have it. Knowing that things take time and I might have to wait a long while in order to get what I want -- that could reference any number of things, from finding the job I want, to personal satisfaction, creative inspiration, and balance in my life, and even love.
Then again, it was early morning when I had this dream. Maybe my body was hungry and simply craved a banana pancake. ;)
All joking aside, this dream does seem to speak to what I'm going through right now, all the waiting and the fitful indecision. I want to scream: I don't KNOW what I want anymore!
At this point, I feel devoid of any strong thought, inkling, or desire, one way or another, and that scares me. I know I can't stay here, on this plateau, I know I must take action, but I don't know where to go next.
Wanting certain things for myself, for my life, but agonizing over how long it's taking to achieve it. Wondering if I truly can. Keeping it always in the back of my mind, knowing I want it, but at the same time talking myself out of it.
Fear, worry, uncertainty, impatience, need, want, preference, choice... the heart of the emotional struggles I've been having about my life.
So here I am, in the late evening of my 36th birthday...
A week ago my dad asked if I was looking forward to it, and I immediately said, "No."
I think he figured it was the number that was troubling me, but honestly, that has never bothered me. I have friends whose ages run the gamut from teenager to 50-something, and they're all brilliant and wonderful. Numbers measure nothing. Age is irrelevant. It's the mind and the energy and the life and the connections that mean something to me.
No, the number 36 is no big deal.
What's troubling me is that I've spent too much time living a life I don't like anymore. Here I am, another year older, and where am I? What am I doing with my life? Why did I take these forks in the road? What brought me here? Where am I supposed to go next? What do I need to do to get there? What is most important to me?
It's as if I'm starting all over.
I'm pouring over that metaphorical menu and I can't figure out what delicious victuals will properly fill my belly. Fulfill my soul. I need that. What I do know for sure is that I don't want to settle for less.
However, the worries won't leave my head. Once I've found those items on the menu, can I even afford them? Am I willing to wait for them, or will they never come that way? Am I wasting my time, sitting there at the table? Should I just go home and make it all myself? What if I do it wrong? What if it's a total disaster? What if it all falls apart?
What if the shower waves come crashing down upon my head?
I'm swept up in the swirl of "what if's" that do me no good. I've lost my bearings, and I'm tired of treading water. I need to find a solid direction and start swimming. I need to take action.
I need that positivity and brilliant freedom from this morning. I need to protect that feeling and harness it. Let its music speak to me and guide me to exactly where I should be.
I need to sing again.
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-27 11:30 pm (UTC)*snickers* Is it wrong of me that feel a strong pull to give them the finger when I see their commercials on TV now? *GRIN* I know, I know... I'm terrible.
That quote from your mom does the same thing to me as it does to you -- I felt anxious because, like you, I had (have) no idea what I really and truly want. I have tiny inklings once in a while, but I never know if it's really want I want or just something that I'm clinging to in order to keep stomping on myself for not achieving it (or even trying anymore). Does that make any sense?
...I discovered that a lot of things I wasn't sure I really wanted were ACTUALLY possibilities I'd already ruled out as "impossible" and therefore I seemed to have pragmatically decided that I didn't "really" want them. Make sense?
*nodding emphatically*
Oh yes, abso-friggin'-lutely. I do that all the time. A large part of that is past outside influence (or lack of real support from certain people in my life), and I think that negativity sticks in my brain to this day. Whenever I start to want something really strongly (like singing or writing as a profession), I immediately start to talk myself out of it, like who the hell am I to ever think I can do such a thing? "Impossible" dreams, I tell myself. 'What are you thinking?'
When someone else put it in my head that it WAS possible, that I COULD actually have what I wanted... well, imagine that, suddenly I really wanted something. I don't know if that's your dot on the map, but thought I'd mention it after reading your dream.
Yes, again, absolutely. In fact, late last fall someone popped into my life for a brief time, and told me he thought I must be a professional writer because 'words work for you on page. They flow easily. And I like reading that flow.' I was incredibly surprised and touched. And for a moment, a few moments, I thought, maybe there is something to what I write, maybe I do have what it takes. Why don't I make more of an effort? That would be wonderful!
That other person made it seem possible, and I found hope in his words.
But then... the rest of the year and this new year came along, and everything scattered to the wind, and I haven't been able to get that feeling back again. I sucked in all sorts of self-doubt that I thought had long past, and I haven't been able to rid myself of it since.
:P
In the end you decided what you really wanted to order would take too long, so you started figuring out your "second choice." I feel like that was the last 10 years or my life. I can't have what I want, so what can I settle for?
Isn't that horrible?? I noticed it immediately too, as I wrote out the dream. I thought, wow, look at that, I didn't even stop to consider that metaphorical banana pancake as a true option; I just immediately started looking for something else. Even when I knew I really didn't want anything else. *sigh*
And it's really a terrible way to think about things. We shouldn't settle for anything. Why should we go for a second choice when we haven't even given our true first choice a real 'go' yet? You know what I mean?
That's why you've been such an inspiration to me, Brenda. This past year, just look at what you've accomplished! That's fantastic! You are fantastic!
I love your script analysis teacher's quote too. It does stir up the brain, though of course I probably need to work at applying that to my life. A big challenge, rewriting those well-ingrained negative thoughts.
Thanks for the encouragement and the offer of help. I'll let you know.
:)