Clawing my way out of hell

[sinkwriter]

I just read a Yahoo!Hotjobs article, and promptly burst into tears.

Written by a woman named Dr. Debra Davenport, the article was entitled "How To Decide If You Need A Career Change." What struck me most was this particular section --

You know you’re in the wrong career if:

It is strictly a means to put food on the table.

It’s just some job you took 10 years ago because, at the time, it was the only one you could find.

Your parents are proud, but you’re bored to tears.

Your job makes you unhappy, damages your self-esteem, compromises your values, or undermines your integrity.

You live for the weekend.

Each item on that list applied to me.

I actually don't have that job anymore because the workers from my office building were all laid off before the holidays. As you can imagine, my colleagues and I were devastated (not to mention, furious, given the amount of time and effort we'd all put in to that place). We'd been miserable, overworked and unappreciated. "Cost-cutting" measure or not, the layoff was the final slap in the face.

While I shared my coworkers' frustrations and fears, to me the layoff was also the universe's way of saying, "Sherry, this is your chance. Get the hell out of that wretched place and start fresh. Have a job that means something to you!"

But reading that article shoved me into the proverbial deer-in-headlights position. I weep for all the time I've wasted, giving all my hard work and dedication and loyalty to a job that sucked the life out of me when I could have spent all that time learning and growing and improving my skills doing something I loved. I weep because I'm so angry with myself for staying too long and not pulling my head out of my ass. I weep because I'm scared and I'm running out of time and money. I weep because that sense of urgency invokes terror... of making a hurried choice in an effort to survive and make ends meet, potentially resulting in yet another job that pulls me back to that article's horrid list.

The problem with articles like that one is how the information provided within is so generalized. What I need is a solid action plan. I need to point myself in the right direction and start taking actual, positive, strong steps to get there.

I don't mind taking a pay cut and working hard if it means finally doing what makes me happy. I'm ready to take that on. I want to make smart, sound choices this time. Take positive steps forward in a new direction, the right direction. I just don't know how yet.

I'm so f---ing exhausted.

Comments

[lorelei633.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I could've written almost every word of that myself. I wish I could say more but I'm at work right now and you never know who's watching/listening *flips them off*. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I totally understand how you feel, and maybe we can inspire each other to follow our bliss! :)

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

And thanks for the laugh. The mental picture of you flipping off the establishment... heeee. I needed that. :)

Let's definitely find our paths, dear heart. Let's do that. One step at a time.

[kimberkatie.livejournal.com]

Ack! That list is kind of scary, but generalized at the same time. Sure, I don't "love" my job, but I do think I "like" it enough to stay. And while it doesn't "change the world" (originally what I wanted my job to do), the people here would be lost without me. So, while I'm freaked out by that article too ... it doesn't concern me nearly as much as being unemployed two years ago did.

I totally understand how you are feeling ... well, not with the crappy job-laying off, but with being unemployed, and afraid to run out of money. In my case, I left my job, so it was really my doing. But I felt that if I stayed any longer I would do something bad that I'd regret for years to come, so I had to. Too bad the "good people" at Unemployment Insurance didn't understand it that way :( I assume you are receiving some type of assistance now, though? And hopefully it's helping to give you money, and time to decide on another career choice?

I agree completely, too, with your desire to have someone, somewhere TELL you what steps to take. I looked into a bunch of "career focused" agencies here, but most of them (at least government run) were for "youths", and I just passed that stage. So that was distressing. I eventually went with a "hiring agency", which was awful because I was doing very stressful and difficult work for a big company, and being paid peanuts to do it (well, not literally ... but the hiring agency was taking about $2/hr themselves, pay which SHOULD have been mine. And this is LEGAL!). I almost wish the government would fund more tests and surveys for ADULTS, to see what we want to be doing, and where our focus is. I did such a survey (just a generalized booklet with questions that you "rated" your answers to), and it told me I'd make a great florist, professional gardener, or farmer. Interesting, but not really within my salary range at the time.

Good luck on your search, and trust that when you get something, it will be for the better and lead you to the place where you're meant to be.

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the commiseration and understanding, Kimber. I appreciate it more than words can say.

It's like I just need a direct course of action, something to get me pointed in the right direction, but I don't know what the F%$# I'm doing, and as you point out so smartly, most tests and surveys are so generalized, they aren't much help.

Man, I have such a headache today!

[lifeasanamazon.livejournal.com]

Honey, I'm sure you're at your lowest ebb right now. Things will get better - you know what you're doing - you just need a bit of a boost. And a bit of luck.

Maybe think about the apsects of your job you actually liked and go with that as a starting point for looking for something else?

*hugs*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Honey, I'm sure you're at your lowest ebb right now.

I am. I just... I'm so freaked out and frustrated. No matter how many days I spend searching for jobs online, this week it's all felt so fruitless and hopeless and dire. Like I'm starting all over again and I'm 35 years old and I can't possibly --

I got up early this morning with intentions of working out, showering and then hitting the job search again, applying to various positions and being all gung-ho. But I've wasted the whole morning, reading that article and falling into a depression/stress-out/weep-fest.

I don't know what's come over me. I know I need to get my head together and focus, but I can't seem to do it today.

Thank you so much for the hugs. Though I fear I'm getting your shirt all soggy. Apologies!

[lifeasanamazon.livejournal.com]

Never apologise! If there's one thing that LJ is good for, it's for off-loading and getting support.

Let yourself have today and start looking again tomorrow. Sometimes the stress build up is so subtle and relentless that you don't realise how much you need that cry. Don't be too hard on yourself, my dear.

*hugs you some more*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Don't be too hard on myself? Heh. That is apparently my nature. When will I learn that lesson?

Your wise words are seeping in... and Snoopy's always helpful, too. ;)

Thank you!

[pluschi.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite sure I understand your whole work-situation. Did you quit your job or plan on quitting? Whatever the situation, I empathise with how you feel. Work is an important part of our lives and I can totally see where you're coming from and where you wanna go to.

You know, it may not seem much - because you probably feel kinda lost and without direction right now - but you HAVE direction. You've come to a conclusion already: you're not happy in the place your are right now and you want to change. That's the most important step to take. You feel in limbo and that's a good place to start. Give yourself time, don't ask too much of yourself. Trust your instincts. Find out what will motivate you, what you like and dislike, where you want to be (realistically) in say 5 years time. You have control over some very important things - so it's time to choose them. In that respect maybe it helps having had your job for so long because it will help you 'know' at least what you 'do not' want. Many people don't even know that!

So finally, just turn towards the positive. You've already reached your breaking point, you can only go up from now on! And if you wanna talk or rant or whatever - I'm ready to listen whenever you want ok?

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Ah, the work situation...

I worked there for five years, and for the first few, things were great. The workload was steady but not overwhelming, I had some financial freedom for the first time in my life, and the schedule was comfortable enough that I was able to have an actual life outside of work for the first time in years. I was able to enjoy myself, and outside of my day job I found time to branch out creatively, which I came to realize was my main goal and joy in life. Writing and music pursuits! :)

Then, things changed within the company, and they began to pile the work on. Everyone in our department was overloaded with work, we all had to put in ridiculously long hours (but we still couldn't get it all done!), and management was helpless (and sometimes, hopeless). We felt exhausted, overworked and unappreciated. Then they decided to start letting people go. They said it was for the good of the shareholders, a 'cost-cutting procedure.'

I didn't quit, but it's not the same as firing someone, Pluschi. Basically, the jobs are either taken away and given to people in another branch of the company in another state or country (because it will be cheaper labor to bring the position there instead), or the job is cancelled altogether (or added to another person's responsibilities as part of 'restructuring' the position). When you're 'let go,' you lose your job, but it's different than if you were fired. 'Fired' would be if I was a terrible employee or compromised the company ethically in some way. Being 'let go' as part of a massive 'layoff' is like saying 'you all did a fine job here but we need to do things differently, and your salaries are more than we want to pay out any longer (or more than we can afford to pay anymore), so thanks but goodbye.'

So, basically, I didn't quit (though I was thinking about searching for another job when the layoff happened, because of the work overload and the lack of respect for all of us as employees). Instead, our jobs were outsourced to a company in India. We had to write out detailed manuals regarding how to do our jobs, and during the final six weeks with the company, we trained the individuals from India who would take over our work. It was arduous and exhausting -- even on my last day of work, I was in the office until 1:30 am. I worked very hard for that company.

Simply put, here's where I am at right now: I lost my job and need to find a new one. :D

Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of looking for a new job while working at the old one (in other words, working and getting a solid, regular paycheck, while looking for a new job during my spare time). That's where the pressure is coming in. The savings I have is dwindling and payments from 'Unemployment Insurance' is not going to be enough to cover my rent and regular bills (utilities, car payment, insurance, food & household needs, etc.), so one thing I do know is that unless something remarkable happens very soon, I will not be able to afford to stay in my current apartment. By next Monday March 31, I have to let them know whether I plan to stay or leave at the end of my apartment lease. Since I don't have a new job yet and therefore cannot afford to stay in my apartment, I will have to tell them I'm leaving. But then there's the worry about where to go instead. I don't have a new job so I don't know what I'll be able to afford. I don't know where I'll be working when I do find a new job, so how do I know where to look for an apartment? And my lease is up May 31, so that means I have 60 days to find a new job, find an apartment, pack up all my stuff and move.

It feels like I have big decisions to make, but I don't have all the variables in which to make the decisions. I haven't been sleeping well this entire month, but I guess today (and this past week in particular) I just got hugely overwhelmed with it all. I feel like I'm running out of time and I fear that time constraint will interfere with my good judgment and ability to make smart choices (hence, my fear of ending up in another job where things are again stressful, exhausting and unsatisfying). That is where I am at today. :S

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

So finally, just turn towards the positive. You've already reached your breaking point, you can only go up from now on!

That sounds good. Going up sounds good. Let's do that. ;)


And if you wanna talk or rant or whatever - I'm ready to listen whenever you want ok?

Thank you so much for the positive perspective. I especially value your judgment, knowing you're a counselor. LOL. In fact, all of you have been very sweet, to indulge my stress-filled ranting.

Tell me, counselor, am I going insane? Because this week I feel like I am! *GRIN*

[pluschi.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna reply through e-mail, is that ok?
*hugs you*

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

That is absolutely ok! *hugs you back*

Thanks for the comfort and support. Hope you're having a good week!

[callieach.livejournal.com]

Being unwisened in the ways of the world and actually kind of in love with my job, try as I might, there's no advice or solid words I can give you. But I can send you my love and every wish that things will work themselves out for you, in time. ♥

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Callie. I appreciate your kind-hearted words (and hope for them to come true soon).

:)

xoo

[krazykitkat.livejournal.com]

Wish I could give you some useful advice. I'm still trying to find my own way in the job world since my original plans kinda crashed and burned. I'm extremely fortunate in that my parents are happy to help support me.

Maybe you need to find a stop-gap job? Something that will pay the rent and bills until you can find what you really want?

Working really sucks some (most?) of the time.

{{love}}

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Maybe you need to find a stop-gap job? Something that will pay the rent and bills until you can find what you really want?

Yeah, I've started applying for things unplanned or out of my usual scope, in hopes that I'll be able to at least pay bills/rent/etc., and find a positive starting point. I think it's just this particular week, everything hit me and I've felt so frustrated and defeated (probably doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping well, something I know you can relate to).

What were your original plans, if I may ask? :)

Thanks for the love. It makes me feel much better. *sending love back*

[fire-mare.livejournal.com]

Sherry is too stressed to listen to music? You need 'tunes, STAT!

Seriously. I'll send you a "Ladder out of Hell" Mix CD. I'll include some Meatloaf on it ("Bat Out of Hell" maybe...yukyukyuk...)

I found myself rolling my eyes when I read this list - so much of it applies to my own job situation! I think Mom and Dad were both proud at the start that I was working for this University, but over time, they've seen what an emotion strain its become for me...

I've found that my sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me sane some days. I hope that explains the jokes, and I hope they made you grin, at least for a little bit. I'm sending you hugs!

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

tee hee... yes, you made me laugh, thank you very much. And I definitely appreciate the hugs. :D

Hope all is well, especially now that you've got that big project out of the way at work. (Of course, true to nature, work is never really done. Ha.)

Hugs back. :)

[la-tante.livejournal.com]

hey there
wow. i just am in serious commiseration with you right now. i wish, as i often do, that i had a magic wand to make thigns all better. job and career stuff is ridiculously awful and when you're in panic/crisis mode, it gets even harder. it seems like not only are you looking for work but you're looking for meaning in that work. an avocation if you will. if you can face i (though i know right now you need something right away), you might try researching to see if your area has any folks who specialize in helping people figure that out. here in portand, i've noticed the community college system (i work with high school kiddos so i look at the catalog a lot!) has a lot of support for people who are in transition from job to career or from career to career. we also have marylhurst university which has a stupendous program designed especially for that transition. when i was at the big crossroads, before i went into teaching, i went to see what they were all about and, even though i didn't wind up enrolling, it made me feel less panicked and alone. i know i'm a total stranger but throwing advice your way is the only magic wand i have. i wish you lots and lots of luck and good times to come.
yours fondly,
julia

ps listening to ella does me no end of good in the midst of awfulness too--the cole porter songbook vol 2 riding high is sweet and blue skies too!

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

What a lovely, thoughtful post. Thank you so much, Julia. I know we've only just 'met' over on lostakasha's site, but I really appreciate that you came by and gave me your kind and helpful advice.

P.S. *eyes wide* Did you know that I am a huge Ella fan? I LOVE the Cole Porter Songbook! I bought it in New York years and years ago while on a high school choir trip, and it's one of those enduring favorites. I like the songs you list, but I also love 'Night and Day,' 'Just One of Those Things,' 'Too Darn Hot,' and 'Let's Do It (Let's Fall in Love)' among so many others that are also fun on that album. Thanks for the reminder. I may have to pull that CD out and listen to it tonight. *smiles wide*

Have a wonderful week. Thanks again for saying hi and waving your magic wand. :)

[la-tante.livejournal.com]

driving home from work today, you popped into my head and i thought, well how is this person i don't really know but have connected with? and so i wanted to drop by and say hello! so, hello and how are you? just sending some good energy your way--just in case you need it.
hugs,
julia

[sinkwriter.livejournal.com]

Hi, Julia! I'm so delighted you stopped by. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Good energy is always much appreciated.

How are things? Hmm. Good question. Last week was a seesaw of emotions. Up and down, up and down. Focus vs. stress. Positivity vs. worry. But I think the change in weather (to more spring-like conditions) is helping my mood immensely this week, helping me to stay positive, even as the time clock ticks down. I've got a lot to do this upcoming month, and I'm trying very hard not to let it stress me out too much. :S

How are you? Are you having a wonderful start to your week? I hope so. Take extra special care of yourself, okay? You are lovely. :)